Unexpected Life Excerpt

René just stood there, in the sudden emptiness of the room, feeling his aloneness, his painful estrangement from his father—indeed, his estrangement from everyone he had ever known—more caustically than ever before. He felt unable to move, frozen or soldered to the spot where he had pierced his father's heart with his hateful sword of words. An image came into his mind of a gladiator who, having just vanquished all his challengers, finds himself standing alone amid the carnage, realizing that neither the crowd's applause nor his prize gave him any satisfaction.

His eyes welled up with hot, burning tears that blurred out everything. They were not tears of self-pity or self-righteousness, but of regret, of yearning to call his father back and apologize, of wanting to run after him and hug him, to press his face into his father's chest, to let his dad run his hands through his hair, whispering into his ear that he was proud of him, that he loved him, loved him more than he'd ever know, no matter what, just like he used to do, just like he'd tried to do many times, only to be pushed away again and again. Why did he never allow his dad to touch him anymore? Why did he recoil when anyone tried to touch him, to get close, to show him affection?

He knew in truth that he had shut out everyone—family, girlfriends, roommates, even his best friends from childhood who still called, emailed, IMed, and dropped by unannounced trying to keep their relationship alive. He felt lonely, so terribly lonely. His hand grasped at the searing pain erupting deep in his chest and heard himself think, or perhaps say aloud: "Oh God! It hurts! Ca fait mal si mal!" It felt like a rake scratching across his heart. He let the hot tears burn his eyes and pour over his bottom lids, rendering him blind and streaking their salty wet paths any way they wanted down his cheeks. His head and heart pounded violently, sending pulsing pain to his ears. He couldn't breathe. He felt sick and dizzy. Holding on to the kitchen counter, he felt his whole body convulse and heard himself sob aloud as the heavy molten sorrow erupted in all its fury. It broke his own heart to hear it, feel it, witness it, register it. This, he knew, was sorrow.